The Sight of Lights
I like thinking that I have everything under control. That all this fighting that I'm doing will all be worth it before.
I like thinking that my luck simply hasn't arrived yet. That one day soon I'll experience the beautiful taste of finally being able to fulfill something.
I like thinking that there's still fight in me. I can still keep going.
All that fighting left me scathed for the most part. And for once, I thought to myself: "Would it be okay to stop? Take a breather?" The reasons behind why I don't do these are practical. Because let's face it, the real world is harsh.
I walk with a heavy feeling a lot these days. I look blankly at what's in front of me, I read fanfics on my way to work and home, I work as well as I can.
Complaining hasn't always been my release when it comes to my corporate problems. Rather, I complain about how I'm not able to meet the standards that I set for myself.
I make it a point to tell myself that I should be improving. I tell myself that I came here for a reason and that is to stay. I tell myself that there's always a reason to keep fighting.
Then came November 10, 2018. I attended a workshop about work-life balance which was utter bullshit on my end. That was totally my fault. I signed up for it as a means of having something to do that time. I even decided to dress up for it, just a smidge.
That day wasn't all that unproductive though. Recently, I decided that I want to have a choker business. I'll make them myself, from scratch, through crocheting and laces that I think will be great for the brand. I started canvassing before the said workshop. I also went and found frames that I thought looked great on me. And they did.
I made sure not to appear in the collective group video. Just because. It was after that that I made my way to Ayala Triangle Park to see if I can catch their Christmas lights show. I did. And I stayed in my spot for as long as 30 minutes for a show that only took 3 minutes to finish.
Seeing Christmas lights is the closest thing I have to seeing stars in the city. Conveniently, those lights were shaped just like stars. Their choreography can't compare to that of what I see at Zamboanga though.
I saw those lights, accompanied by orchestra arrangements of some of my favorite Disney songs, and how they danced to the violins and trumpets and drums. With so many people around raising their phones to film the show, I didn't think twice about singing along to the songs I knew.
It was when I see the light started playing that I got to finally feel how overwhelmed I was with what I was going through. The way my employment is going, the way my finances are at a halt, the way I just can't seem to smile for longer periods of time.
It's hard. Moreover, it's frustrating to think that I feel like I'm already doing everything that I can but still can't see anything in front of me. I mentioned that dreams change. And right now, I just don't want to think about mine.
I sang along a little to I see the light. When it came down to last few lines, I started choking up. I felt the tears well up in my eyes and my throat constricting. I didn't want to go any further than that though. I'd like to think that my self-control played a good role at that.
I felt better having to admit this. It's something that I've never had the chance to really think about. Whoever has all my luck right now, I hope that you're using that luck for good. I hope that people are smiling at what you do. I hope that the world is better with what you're achieving.
I like thinking that my luck simply hasn't arrived yet. That one day soon I'll experience the beautiful taste of finally being able to fulfill something.
I like thinking that there's still fight in me. I can still keep going.
All that fighting left me scathed for the most part. And for once, I thought to myself: "Would it be okay to stop? Take a breather?" The reasons behind why I don't do these are practical. Because let's face it, the real world is harsh.
I walk with a heavy feeling a lot these days. I look blankly at what's in front of me, I read fanfics on my way to work and home, I work as well as I can.
Complaining hasn't always been my release when it comes to my corporate problems. Rather, I complain about how I'm not able to meet the standards that I set for myself.
I make it a point to tell myself that I should be improving. I tell myself that I came here for a reason and that is to stay. I tell myself that there's always a reason to keep fighting.
Then came November 10, 2018. I attended a workshop about work-life balance which was utter bullshit on my end. That was totally my fault. I signed up for it as a means of having something to do that time. I even decided to dress up for it, just a smidge.
That day wasn't all that unproductive though. Recently, I decided that I want to have a choker business. I'll make them myself, from scratch, through crocheting and laces that I think will be great for the brand. I started canvassing before the said workshop. I also went and found frames that I thought looked great on me. And they did.
I made sure not to appear in the collective group video. Just because. It was after that that I made my way to Ayala Triangle Park to see if I can catch their Christmas lights show. I did. And I stayed in my spot for as long as 30 minutes for a show that only took 3 minutes to finish.
Seeing Christmas lights is the closest thing I have to seeing stars in the city. Conveniently, those lights were shaped just like stars. Their choreography can't compare to that of what I see at Zamboanga though.
I saw those lights, accompanied by orchestra arrangements of some of my favorite Disney songs, and how they danced to the violins and trumpets and drums. With so many people around raising their phones to film the show, I didn't think twice about singing along to the songs I knew.
It was when I see the light started playing that I got to finally feel how overwhelmed I was with what I was going through. The way my employment is going, the way my finances are at a halt, the way I just can't seem to smile for longer periods of time.
It's hard. Moreover, it's frustrating to think that I feel like I'm already doing everything that I can but still can't see anything in front of me. I mentioned that dreams change. And right now, I just don't want to think about mine.
I sang along a little to I see the light. When it came down to last few lines, I started choking up. I felt the tears well up in my eyes and my throat constricting. I didn't want to go any further than that though. I'd like to think that my self-control played a good role at that.
I felt better having to admit this. It's something that I've never had the chance to really think about. Whoever has all my luck right now, I hope that you're using that luck for good. I hope that people are smiling at what you do. I hope that the world is better with what you're achieving.
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